This Decade
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I've been meaning to give real justice to the decade, and I was wondering through my /ongoing folder on my computer, and I found this document called "This decade," which is to say it said "In 200X, I..." ten times and had nothing else. And this doesn't really tell you much about the day-to-day goings on of my teenage years, which is what the 2000s mostly covered, it does give you the major highlights and milestones. Just in case you forgot.
In 2000, I turned 13. I discovered Napster, the scary people on the internet, and illegal downloads. I was in 7th grade and listened to Harry Potter every day during lunch and had a crush on my pre-Algebra teacher.
In 2001, I turned 14. I began blogging on diaryland. I finished middle school and began attending high school. I watched the Twin Towers fall on TV.
In 2002, I turned 15. I made my way through high school. I began to navigate (albiet very unsuccessfully, then again that's still true) the arena of boys.
In 2003, I turned 16. I went on my first date, had my first boyfriend and got my first kiss (heaven forbid I be sweet sixteen!). I had my first break up, and I got my first betta fish.
In 2004, I turned 17. I swam, a lot. I lost my virginity. I got pregnant. I was in therapy. I attended my senior year at a college.
In 2005, I turned 18. I gave birth to my lovely daughter, Catherine Anastasia. I graduated high school and began attending college at Grinnell.
In 2006, I turned 19. I had my first good relationship. I moved out of Alaska. I fell in love with Grinnell
In 2007, I turned 20. I had my second good relationship. I spent the summer in Alaska.
In 2008, I turned 21. I stood at the epicenter as my first good relationship and my second good relationship collided and I fell apart. I started to put myself back together.
In 2009, I turned 22. I graduated college. I reassembled myself fully. I started my graduate studies to get my Master's in Clinical Psychology and found my life's calling.
Basically, my decade was surprisingly normal. Despite a lot of the uncommon circumstances I found myself in, it was a decade of what the psychoanalysts like to call "separation and individuation." I am a fan of learning the hard way, as I often did, but I still learned to be self-sufficient, capable of handling catastrophe and proud of what and who I love. I'm such a damn sap.
Another something you may not know about me (I'm just FULL of surprises!), but it turns out I am one of those adults who doesn't just get sick. Unlike some people who get, like a cold and get over it, I am someone who manifests an ENTIRE CONSTELLATION of symptoms, most of which are completely unrelated except in the fact that my immune system is taking a fifteen minute break.
I don't think kids are like this, because they get sick all the time. I think I was definitely a normal kid. But the norm for the past five years has been that when I go to the doctor, they should expect me back within a week for something COMPLETELY UNRELATED.
Exhibit Z (this week):
- I get a stye (clogged and infected tear duct) in my left eye that gets so bad that hot compresses do nothing and I end up going to Walgreens to buy symptom-reliever gel and saying "if it's not better by tomorrow, I'll go to the doctor. Do you know how they fix styes that get bad? THEY LANCE THEM. ON YOUR EYELID.
- My lips begin to peel. Carmex, lip chap, honey balm... Nothing helps. Finally I take a washcloth and just scrub them until there's no more nasty skin hanging off.
- I break out with small bumps on my upper lip, reminiscent of the infection I got in my last tattoo when it got infected. They aren't cold sores, don't hurt, aren't fluid filled, but they sure look charming let me tell you.
- My feet begin peeling. I know that's gross, but it's also hereditary. My dad's do too. Always around this time of the year, with no explanation.
- I sprain my back stretching and am reduced to 5600+mg Ibuprofen and Icy Hot patches that still don't combat the pain.
- I get a mondo zit. Yes. MONDO.
I mean seriously? I appreciate that the body is a finely tuned machine and a little kink can throw everything off, but I must say, I'd take a cold any day. (Okay, that's a lie. With the exception of my back, none of this is functional and only makes me look like an ogre. Unless I normally look like an ogre; I really couldn't tell you.) All I can say is I hope somebody in Haiti has the healthy vibes I seem to be missing this week.
Sometimes in life we face really difficult minor decisions. You know, those things that in the end up not being a big deal, but feel catastrophic when we first face them. I'm fairly sure it's part of maturity, or rather immaturity, that we still have as twenty-somethings, wherein we make little things huge.
This isn't to say that some things shouldn't be really well thought out. But maybe we over-think sometimes. I am obviously a big culprit for this behavior, but then again, I'm a firm believer in "better to be safe and have thought for twenty-three hours and forty-seven minutes about this one thing, than sorry."
I guess what I'm trying to say is that personally, I'm aware of this now. That little things like deciding when to forgive someone, or seeing your ex, or auditioning for a show, or you know, whatever is your block right now, shouldn't seem like the end of the world to figure out. If it does, break it down. Think about if your best friend were going to do the same thing, or if you're the one giving advice, what you'd want your best friend to say to you.
Often times a change in perspective is crucial. I'd say both the cognitivists and the psychoanalysts agree on this concept, and that right there says something about how well it works.
Also, never forget the power of letting go, my friends. How many times did I say I learned that last year? That's right, too many to count or find on the internet. When you stop holding yourself to some preconcieved notion of when it's okay to move on or move forward, you actually start moving on and forward.
Hitting bottom isn't a weekend retreat. It's not a goddamn seminar. Stop trying to control everything and just let go! LET GO! --Tyler Durden
1. What did you do this month that you’d never done before?
2. How are the resolutions coming along this month?
3. What would you like to have next month that you lacked this month?
4. What date from this month will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
5. What was your biggest achievement this month?
6. And your biggest failure?
7. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
8. What song will always remind you of this month?
9. What was the best book you read this month?
10. What was your favorite film this month?
11. What would have made this month immeasurably more satisfying?
12. Tell us a valuable life lesson from this month.
13. Summarize the first and last of the month.
So I had a quandry last night. I was faced with one difficult decision: go uptown to see a local band play a free show alone, or stay home. See, the thing is that I really like this band, and have been following them for months. But see, the other thing is that I would have been driving, alone, on a Friday night, and attending the show alone too.
I suppose it ended up not being a difficult decision, because when the one friend who said she might have been able to make it didn't end up being able to, I realized I just didn't feel comfortable going solo the whole night. Between the cops and the weirdos, it didn't sound like a good idea.
But it made me think of all those nights in Grinnell, those weekend nights, where I would feel this intense pressure to go out, and either resulted in my going out, or not going out and feeling like I was being totally lame. Which, let's face it, I was. Because now I would give quite a lot to have a good solid weekend of simply having to go out... oh, so stressful!
I was always more suited to nights in though, or nights with a half-dozen friends, drinking red wine and smoking and getting silly. Then we usually went out, but I was never a big grand-start kind of gal.
Life is different now though. I never feel pressed to go out, mostly because there isn't really anything out I'd rather be doing. The people I would like to be out with don't get all together very often, and when they do, I'm usually the one who planned it, so obviously I'm there.
Then again, I still want to go out some times. I am trying to be more... aggressive in contacting people when I'm out and about, especially north of where I live (as I am the only one so far south). One of these times it will all come together, and then I'll want to spend every weekend out. Until then, I'll enjoy my nice night spent watching Heroes and eating chocolate candy corn.
By the way, I'm going to get fat if I keep it up, so it's good that I've run out of TV to veg on. I do love me some TV that makes me yell at the screen though, what can I say.
02.03.10 @ 11:40am
Okay, you can call me The Plague
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02.02.10 @ 1:14pm
A Different Lens, If You Will
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02.01.10 @ 12:46pm
January-in-Review
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Bought a guy a drink at a bar. Top that!
Quite well! What I like best about my resolutions this year is that they are both cognitive and behavior, and thus aim for both concrete and theoretical results. I accepted my vices, though the ones I had in mind when I wrote that resolution weren't on the plate this month. I think I made huge progress in moving on, even if I haven't written about it so much. I have become more food conscious. This month I hope to start a food journal. For running races, I haven't been running yet this year because it's too cold outside, but I have been working out, and as soon as the weather gets consistently nicer, I'll be training. My goal is to run my first race in March/April. And finally, I've been thinking a lot about auditioning. The next step will be finding places to audition and learning more about them.
A fucking driver's license!
Not to say that it wasn't a great month, but nothing in particular stands out.
Becoming more aware of my automatic thoughts.
Being a repeat offender. No more of that, mmkay?
Robert Downey Jr. I basically love him.
For no particular reason "(If You're Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To" by Weezer. I listened to it 19 times in January!
I only read one book from start to finish this month: The Swiss Family Robinson by Johann David Wyss.
Sherlock Holmes.
My license. I keep saying that!
Just because you think it doesn't mean it's true.
The First: The awkward brunch.
The Last: Worky work work!
01.29.10 @ 11:33pm
Thoughts from a Night In
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